Down with Pacifers and know-it-alls!!

So our wee Paddy was going through a growth spurt and just wouldn't quit crying, and at 4 months, I admit, I finally relented and gave in to the pacifier to help him fall asleep. in previous months I would glare at the pacifier and argue that I didn't want him to get used to it... But then I caved. I popped it into his little mouth and asleep he fell in minutes. It was blissful. I began to notice though that he wasn't getting a really good, hardy sleep. He would be continuously sucking or the darn thing would fall out and he'd wake screaming!

Finally two days ago, I decided that the blasted thing had to make an exit. I didn't ween him off of it, I just took it away. Oh what a hard time we're having now! It takes him forever to fall asleep and now, he's waking up more than ever!!! They say it takes 3 days for a baby to get used to something and 3 days for them to forget it... Paddy and I are on day two... and I swear we may not make it to 3. Already this evening he's woken up 3 times. and where he used to sleep till 4am, now he wakes in between 2 and 3:30am. He's sleeping lighter, so any noise will jolt the lad awake!

It's so bad that Pat, my love has been sleeping in another room (Paddy is still in our room until the holidays are over) because he has a cough and it keeps waking Paddy. Pat is sleeping on an air mattress and I am hanging by a thread to my rapidly fraying rope!

People are beginning to make me mental too with this! everyone keeps saying, "4 and a half months and he's still not sleeping through the night?" To this I say, "hey man, if you had a man that had a snore that sounds like the good year blimp with a slow leak, sleeping next to you, would you sleep peacefully?" But that can't be it, now can it? It's a hunger thing, but he still won't eat more than 4 ounces at a time... and sometimes he eats even less. All the books say he should be eating 5-8 ounces by now... So I don't get it... he's still gaining weight though so he can't be doing badly right?

Do you see now why my rope is fraying? Why I'm losing my hair and clawing my freckles off? Why I'm totally at my wit's end? I wish there was some magic wand that I could just wave and all these little hardships would just flutter away!Until that appears though, if you need to find me, I'll be clinging desperately to the last inch of my sanity!

Down time?

Oh I feel beat down. Suffer I a sinus cold, induced by pink eye... or at least it feels like a cold due to all the sneezing, headaches and sniffles I'm having... Don't you hate that tickle in your eye, that little nerve tug that makes you sneeze? This eye infection seems to be giving me a perma-tickle and it's not pleasant. Not only do I feel beaten down, but I look it as well. No, it's not just the red beady eye; my face is drawn and really, I'm losing my hair. It's thinning. They say stress will do this to a person, but I'm used to having beautiful locks that seem to go on forever. Now, I dread every time I run a brush through it and will have to see more strands coming out; how sad. I'm trying to find positivity in my day, but right now, sitting alone, knowing my spouse is working all night and I'll have to hear the wind howling outside and feel the chill from the leaky windows, with out him to curl up to, I'm finding optimism hard to grasp. Even the joy of my life, my son seems to know how I feel for he too is having a hard time sleeping. If it wasn't for the fear of breaking his hard won routine, I'd have him sleep on me to comfort us both.

Instead though, I'll look to the 20 minutes of day dreaming I'll do before I tumble into a restless sleep. The day dreams of the perfect house, the perfect furniture, the perfect home in which everything self cleans and dust and dirty dishes never happen...and not because we don't use them. Oh how I love those day dreams before sleep comes.

Maybe when the baby wakes up for his 4am feeding I'll cave and snuggle with him for the rest of the night... I mean hey, if we're both feeling restless is it wrong to bring comfort in love? Oh how great I am at rationalizing! I can talk myself into believing anything...

Maybe just for tonight...

Maybe.

Who I used to be

I used to be audacious. I was that girl that wouldn't hesitate to smack you in the mouth if you needed it. Now, things are so different. I try to avoid confrontation, I would rather hurt with words... "kill 'em with kindness" or at least show their ignorance by using words they don't understand. Man, sometimes I long for the girl I used to be. Nothing would please me more right now than to just let loose and really let someone have it. I feel my body start to shake with the urge to curse, yell and threaten... but, instead I take the high road... what a wimp I am now! I never wanted to be this way. To be the girl that people think they can walk all over or verbally abuse, and she'd take it. How did this happen? What can I do about it? If I step up now, I'll just cause more trouble, but if I don't... I'm going to start hating myself.

I'm so tired of being this doormat. Of letting someone think she can be civil when it's convenient; when she needs something, but be brutal and try to take what's mine when she doesn't. I want it to stop. I want to be stood up for. I want to be left out of the whole damn thing. I just want to live my life happily and peacefully. Is that so much to ask?

Redundant

Over and over my day repeats. It's like the movie Groundhog Day, with out the different happenings. Most people would think this redundancy was boring, mind numbing or just plain unlivable. Not me, nope, not me. Just the idea that I know for a fact that tomorrow I will wake up, make a bottle and medication for my son, change him, swaddle him, go back to sleep with him for an hour and then change him, play with him, feed him, swaddle.... repeat, repeat, repeat... with time of him in his swing so I can do laundry or dishes.... just the idea, that I know, for a fact how my day will be... is comforting to me. No surprises. No "oh what now?"s I love it. I know that when I peer into the bassinet, Paddy will smile a smile of unconditional love and my day will begin.

Does this make me mediocre? is mediocrity my life's work? I don't think so. I believe that my son, this gift I have been given will do far more amazing things with his life, than I ever did and here I am, snuggling him. Here I am giving him the support, the love that will carry him through life.

So I say, bring on tomorrow's redundancy! I will greet it with excitement!

clickity clack

Why did I want a blog? It's not like I'll have time to write... but maybe I needed this. Just one outlet that allows me to be me. Not a mom, not a spouce, not a housewife...Just me. Perhaps putting pen to paper, or in this case fingertips to keyboard will help me find myself. Perhaps the clickity clack of my mad dash typing will bring back the little piece of me that I lost over 22 hours of hard, drug free labor, I lost over countless diapers, loads of laundry and bottle washes. Maybe my muse will come from this computer screen and she will jump out at me, slap me on the forehead and say "come on girl! You are you! let it out, let it go." And maybe I will for a change.

So this is my first blog, Do I have anything relevant to say? Any deep mind boggling epiphanies? yes, just this one;

Welcome to a world that for once will be just mine.